Decision, 2008: Update

IBP will be presenting various viewpoints from guest bloggers in the coming weeks as the election progresses. Blogger, Ron Rex, has blogged at his own site, "Conservative Real American" for over seven years and has been a panel member on several locally produced political talkshows. His posts here are cross-posted to "Conservative Real American".

You know what my favorite part of the primaries has been so far? When a commentator or reporter refers to Hillary's laugh as a "cackle".


As part of our continuing series to provide different viewpoints surrounding the events leading up to the Presidential Election, we today welcome guest blogger, Jerry Weltz. Mr. Weltz has had his comments published over 43,000 times on The Daily Kos website, always accompanied by his familiar tagline, "Zero tolerance for Republican bullshit".

"Uh, Rex . . . how 'bout cackling this?"

"24"

Hard to believe, but it was made official this week. No "24" this year. That news just knocked the pins right out from under me. Since my job on this blog has been to keep everybody up to date on the happenings on "24", there's really not a whole hell of a lot for me to do.

But since this blog is mostly politics now, I'm going to go ahead and put in my two cents, for what its worth. If you ask me who I'm voting for, I'll tell ya. I'm voting for Obama. Why? Because President David Palmer was a black guy. He was probably Jack Bauer's best President. So, I'm voting for Obama.

The only thing I'm worried about is that all the remaining candidates are against waterboarding. As we all know, Jack Bauer has had to shoot people in the knee and break fingers in order to get needed information. I haven't heard any of the remaining candidates speak to it, but if they are against waterboarding, I'm guessing they are against shooting suspects in the knee or breaking their fingers. I can only hope that whoever gets elected will grow in the office and realize that Jack Bauer gets results.

As part of our continuing series to provide different viewpoints surrounding the events leading up to the Presidential Election, we today welcome guest blogger, Jerry Weltz. Mr. Weltz has had his comments published over 43,000 times on The Daily Kos website, always accompanied by his familiar tagline, "Zero tolerance for Republican bullshit".

"Facist much?"

Decision, 2008: A Correction

On February 14, 2008, this site published Grant "Gopher" Jones' column, which stated that Senator John McCain, if elected to the presidency, would issue an executive order allowing the military to confiscate all porcelain used in residential indoor plumbing in order to build a two mile high porcelain statue of himself.

We have received the following letter from the McCain, 2008 campaign:

"Although it boggles the imagination that any thinking American could possibly believe the ludicrous allegation regarding the construction of a porcelain statue, which was carried by your site on February 14, 2008, please be advised that the story is false. Only in the fetid sewer of internet political rumor-mongering could such an absurdity take root."

When contacted, Grant "Gopher" Jones stated that he is standing by his sources.

Decision, 2008: Update

IBP will be presenting various viewpoints from guest bloggers in the coming weeks as the election progresses. We were pleasantly surprised to be contacted by Shep Martin, famed political satirist of the '60's and '70's. Shep's jokes and satirical songs were famed for taking the pulse of the American body politic, until the tide of public opinion turned against his "type" of humor. Shep performed at the piano every Thursday night for eighteen years in the lobby of the old Adams-Monroe Hotel in Washington, D.C., until it was condemned upon the discovery of rats in the Hotel's kitchen. When notified of the condition, Shep memorably quipped, "Rats? What happened, is the Capital Building sinking?"

Today, he gifts this site with the lyrics of his latest satirical song, which is sung to the tune of Kool and the Gang's "Celebration". Please click the link below for audio:


Superdelegates, c'mon!
Superdelegates, c'mon!

Primaries are going on right here,
Barack's been winning,
Hillary's in fear.
She'll grease insiders,
Its the only thing to do,
Circumvent the voters,
Who don't like you.

Superdelegates, c'mon!
Superdelegates, c'mon!

Repeat refrain

Decision, 2008: Update

Grant "Gopher" Jones is a syndicated writer whose column "My Unconfirmed Sources Tell Me . . . " appears in over fifty-two newspapers. As one libel attorney aptly summarized, "Gopher is the kind of reporter who keeps his ear to the ground . . . and sometimes under it." IBP is pleased to have him guest blogging for us during this political season.


My unconfirmed sources tell me:

. . . despite unfavorable reviews in South Carolina, the Clinton campaign is convinced that it must throw a "Hail Mary" pass, and will return to race baiting in Texas and Ohio. The campaign is expected to hire as spokesman, Michael Richards, who played the character of "Kramer" on the old "Seinfeld" show, and is in negotiations with the Don Imus radio show to have former President Clinton race bait twice a week on a segment entitled, "Just Five Cotton Pickin' Minutes With Bill".

. . . that despite his denials, presumptive Republican presidential nominee, John McCain, if elected, will issue an executive order allowing the military to confiscate all porcelain used for residential indoor plumbing in the United States to build a two mile high porcelain statue of himself. As for how Americans will get by without use of indoor plumbing, McCain has reportedly said that they will "just have to do the best they can".

THE EMMITT SMITH DEBACLED

During the Depression, the ol' St. Louis lefthander, Dizzy Dean, was the target of criticism from school teachers, for his use of the word "ain't" during Cardinals' radio broadcasts. Summing up the situation perfectly, the ol' lefthander, said, with what one must assume was a wry smile, "A lot of people who ain't sayin' ain't, ain't eatin'."

WHO WEEPS FOR VICTORYA HONG?

As readers of this blog well know, my very essence has been concentrated on seeking out a solution to this writers' strike, so that the unimaginable catastrophe of the Oscars being cancelled does not occur.

However, even with my tunnel-visioned focus, an injustice has been committed, and in such matters, I am loathe to hold my tongue.

Nina Garcia, Michael Kors and Heidi Klum, like thieves in the dead of night, wheedled and conspired to eliminate the most talented fashion designer yet seen in the history of "Project Runway". I speak, of course, of Ms. Victorya Hong, whose creations inspired America during her time on the show.

Now we are left with a collection of five-thumbed hacks vying for an undeserved opportunity to present at Fashion Week. I shan't be watching the remainder of this year's shows and I would encourage all to follow a similar course of action.

And to Ms. Hong; worry not. I am with you in Rockland.

SOUTH CAROLINA: DECISION 2008

As part of our continuing series to provide different viewpoints surrounding the events leading up to the Presidential Election, we today welcome guest blogger, Jerry Weltz. Mr. Weltz has had his comments published over 43,000 times on The Daily Kos website, always accompanied by his familiar tagline, "Zero tolerance for Republican bullshit".

Umm, Huckabee . . . pander much?

SOUTH CAROLINA: DECISION 2008

IBP will be welcoming a number of guest bloggers in the coming months to report on the 2008 Presidential campaign, including the venerable C.W. Eversham, who has reported on every American presidential campaign since Dwight Eisenhower's re-election in 1956. No less an authority than author, Theodore White, once dubbed Eversham as "the crustiness on the American political baguette."

When people ask me to describe South Carolina, I ask them if they have ever taken a sauna bath with a group of toothless men attempting to in some way in their conversation approximate the English language. The answer is usually in the negative for which I tell them they may thank their lucky stars.

The laughably dubbed "Palmetto State" has already pronounced its verdict in the GOP primary. Governor Huckabee continued on the path to the anonymity he so richly deserves, despite wrapping himself in the Confederate flag. Even that transparent shameless tactic was not enough to garner him a victory in this hotbed of succession. Young Romney was similarly unsuccessful, proving that for their many faults, the low rent back country intellect of South Carolinians is superior to that of the Michigan ignoramuses and Nevada soddomites in ferreting out an empty suit with a full head of hair and a bulging wallet. I never cared for his father, George, either; had me thrown off the press train over forty years ago for calling him on one of his positions.

As for the Democratic primary, I will be keeping my head low these next few days. Mrs. Nixon seems intent on whipping up a race riot with her code words, and experience has taught me that it is best not to be in the area when one of those commences, and that is a philosophy which has stood me in good stead.

TINSELTOWN: REPORT ON THE CONTINUING CRISIS

As we each deal with the exquisite individualized torment of comtemplating the very notion that the Oscars may be cancelled, this corner would be abdicating its responsibility if it did join all of Hollywood in mourning the loss of one of its brightest young stars, Mr. Heath Ledgers. Beginning and continuing in his breakout performance in the landmark "Brokeback Mountain", Mr. Ledgers left an acting legacy for which we will all be the poorer in not having seen fulfilled.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

The Giants 23-20 overtime win over the Packers in the NFC Championship Game presented an interesting contrast in strategies by the opposing coaches. Giants' Coach Tom Coughlin, left a good bit of his face exposed, earning the Civil War General-like sobriequet, "Ol' Red Face" Coughlin, whereas Packers' Coach Mike McCarthy, with far more expansive jowls to protect from the cold, wore a full head and neck covering wool cap.

MICHIGAN: DECISION 2008

IBP will be welcoming a number of guest bloggers in the coming months to report on the 2008 Presidential campaign, including the venerable C.W. Eversham, who has reported on every American presidential campaign since Dwight Eisenhower's re-election in 1956. No less an authority than author, Theodore White, once dubbed Eversham as "the crustiness on the American political baguette."

The telex has been chattering with missives all day from various and sundry second guessers, back seat drivers and Monday morning quarterbacks, questioning as to the howcomes and whyfors I did not foresee a Romney victory. The answer is simple. How can a rational man be expected to anticipate the actions of the ignoramuses who roam the countryside in this nightmarish State, which I was mercifully allowed to depart this evening.

However, I must add a note regarding the increasing coarsening of civility. I realize that the time when a respectable man would not dream of going out for so much as a walk in the park without a dress coat and proper hat is long gone. But today, when I arrived at the airport, I saw an apparent rummy, holding a sign suggesting that a certain presidential candidate be defecated upon. I made a point to flag down a passing constabulary and had that man arrested. And as much as the thought of returning again to Michigan before the passage of another four years sickens me, I will, as a matter of principal, return to testify against this dullard should the law so demand.

MICHIGAN: DECISION 2008

As part of our guest blogger series, IBP is honored to present Claude Augern, for years the host of NBC's popular Sunday Morning show, "Augern's America". As he did for over twenty years on his talk show, Augern will be seeking the amusing, unsual and eccentric characters that flit around the edges of important American events.



Here in the airport which serves the former trading outpost of Detroit, travelers scatter like the beavers and otters around Lake Michigan. As I traverse the short distance from the baggage claim towards a waiting cab, I notice a weary fellow traveler, who signals me with an upward jerk of his head and a connivial, "S'up."

Sitting on a rumpled dufflebag by the exit, cadging change in a plastic cup, is Hugh Farlin. His one moment of glory came twenty-two years earlier at the Democratic Convention in New York City, when he was shown holding aloft a sign proclaiming, "Grits and Fritz Give Me The Sh**s", Hugh Farlin has traveled to Michigan, following candidate, Mitt Romney. Hugh Farlin believes that the ease with which "Mitt" can be rhymed with a common barnyard expression for feces, gives him his best opportunity to replicate his crowning moment of 1976.

Today, Hugh Farlin informs me that he believes the Romney campaign will breath its last this evening in the Michigan primary and he will forever be denied a second chance at fame. Thus, like many of us, desperate for a final grasp at the brass ring, Hugh Farlin has decided to take a shortcut. He will no longer support Romney. Instead he will try to catch the attention of the nation's media by holding aloft an anti-Romney sign, which reads simply, "S** on Mitt".

I leave Hugh Farlin to his coin cadging and wish him luck.

MICHIGAN: DECISION 2008

Grant "Gopher" Jones is a syndicated writer whose column "My Unconfirmed Sources Tell Me . . . " appears in over fifty-two newspapers. As one libel attorney aptly summarized, "Gopher is the kind of reporter who keeps his ear to the ground . . . and sometimes under it." IBP is pleased to have him guest blogging for us during this political season.


My unconfirmed sources tell me:

. . . that for reasons yet unknown to this reporter, Senator Clinton's "oppo" research team has been scouring the land for old tapes of the radio show, "Amos 'n Andy". . .

. . . Guilinai's first marraige to a cousin does not poll well with evangelicals . . .

COLLEGE FOOTBALL UPDATE

Although all parties will deny it, my sources are telling me that if Pete Carroll had bolted USC for the Atlanta Falcons' job, the Men of Troy were prepared to go to any length to wrest Charlie Weis away from Notre Dame.

MICHIGAN: DECISION 2008

IBP will be welcoming a number of guest bloggers in the coming months to report on the 2008 Presidential campaign, including the venerable C.W. Eversham, who has reported on every American presidential campaign since Dwight Eisenhower's re-election in 1956. No less an authority than author, Theodore White, once dubbed Eversham as "the crustiness on the American political baguette."

I had intended to cover tonight's Republican primary on site. However, it is snowing here in Michigan. For those of you who have not been exposed to Michigan, it is a desolate landscape that progress forgot, strewn with the reddish-brown twisted hulks of abandoned factories to which workers will never return. My experience with Michigan politics informs me that monies intended for snow removal never found their intended destination. I will not be venturing out under these conditions. Doubtful that I could get my feet warm.

My sense of the electorate is that the young Romney will find further proof tonight that a good head of hair, a square jaw and a full wallet, even in these regrettable times, are not sufficient qualifications to be the leader of the free world. Frankly, I never cared for his father. George was one of these puffed up roosters, who liked to hold court, and when I set him straight on a few things, he attempted to have me thrown off the press train. I can't recall a more enjoyable night then writing the obituary on George's presidential run, which I concluded with a pithy, "Good riddance."

THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: DECISION 2008

IBP will be presenting various viewpoints from guest bloggers in the coming weeks as the election progresses. We were pleasantly surprised to be contacted by Shep Martin, famed political satirist of the '60's and '70's. Shep's jokes and satirical songs were famed for taking the pulse of the American body politic, until the tide of public opinion turned against his "type" of humor. Shep performed at the piano every Thursday night for eighteen years in the lobby of the old Adams-Monroe Hotel in Washington, D.C., until it was condemned upon the discovery of rats in the Hotel's kitchen. When notified of the condition, Shep memorably quipped, "Rats? What happened, is the Capital Building sinking?"

Today, he gifts this site with the lyrics of his latest satirical song, which is sung to the tune of "Ebony and Ivory". Please click the link below for audio:

Happily,
Senator John Kerry
Chose Obama instead of Hillary.
He's a jinx,
Might just cost votes,
Swift boats,
What an ass!

(Repeat refrain)

THE GOLF CORNER: THE TIGHLMAN CONTROVERSY

Guest blogger, Jerry Weltz, has had his comments published over 43,000 times on The Daily Kos website, always accompanied by his familiar tagline, "Zero tolerance for Republican bullshit."

Having followed the debate on the Tighlman controversy on this site, Mr. Weltz requested that he get to add his dime's worth on the subject.

Uh, Eversham . . . "Got Sexist"?

THE GOLF CORNER: THE TIGHLMAN CONTROVERSY

The venerable C.W. Eversham, who has reported on every American presidential campaign since Dwight Eisenhower's re-election in 1956, has been guest blogging regarding politics on IBP. No less an authority than author, Theodore White, once dubbed Eversham as "the crustiness on the American political baguette."

Having read "Irish" Jimmy Clancy's take on the controversy in the golfing world, Eversham departs from the world of politics to comment on l'affaire Tighlman.

Despite much chatter having been wasted to no good ends on this Woods matter, every one still seems to be missing the larger point. One would suppose that even the most childlike mind could discern that this in not a racial issue, but a gender issue. The problem was indulging in the foolishness of allowing a female broadcaster to comment on men's sports. The gals are fine on cooking shows or giving helpful household tips on the morning news programs, but are out of their depth in men's sports.

The fairer sex's intrusion into the golf world has wrought calamitous results on the fairways as well. At a more civilized time in our nation's history, any decent private golf club restricted the gals' tee-offs to very specific times, to prevent the real golfers from being slowed down. Since that wise policy has gone into decline, I cannot recount for you the number of times I have had to wait on a lagging foursome of hens taking their time putting out. While "hitting up" on them, firing one across their bow, may not be chivalric, it certainly puts a hurry up in the ladies' giddyup.