An Announcement For Our Readers

Long time readers of this column know that I have refused to commercialize the IBP brand despite numerous lucrative offers . . . even three years ago, when the protracted litigation with the vultures at Disney forced this space to go "dark" for six months, I refused to violate the Kantian imperative by using people as a means rather than an ends . . .

However, times have changed and we must change with them. I am sure that many of you have taken note of the upgrades and increased bandwidth over the past year. Such improvements have outstripped my ability to continue to maintain this column and remain economically solvent.

Let me assure you, gentle readers, that this action should not be construed as a sell-out. I have insisted that the products bearing the IBP logo be of the highest quality. Additionally, I will be extremely selective in the type of product which will be licensed to carry the logo. I pledge to you that you will not see garish displays of the IBP scattershotted hither and yon, which I believe would have a tendency to impugn the integrity of the column and its author.

Having made my peace, let me proudly announce to you that in a month’s time, we will be "rolling out" the IBP beer cozy, which will list for $12.95.

The IBP is not a recognized 501(C)(3) organization

Memories

Does anybody out there remember when Republican operatives really slipped it to that high-falutin' John Kerry, by spreading it around that he "looks French"?

Red Meat Political Commentary

The Drudge Report has been making hay with a report that purported environmentalist and former Vice President, Al Gore, has been wastefully using energy on a grand scale at his new home in Belle Meade, Tennessee.
I, for one, have grown weary of the politics of personal destruction. May I be permitted to stand on my hind legs and ask a pertinent question; how can we expect to attract good people to run for public office if we are going to set an artificially high standard whereby politicians must believe in the principles they espouse?

Your Chance To Vote

Many of you are aware of the fact that I headlined the Red Room at the Fabulous Atlantic City Caberet Lounge every Tuesday night for over six years- those were golden days, before the arrival of the casinoes and the so-called "high caliber" entertainers.

Although rarely asked to perform in public anymore, I have had a very special request to sing at a wedding reception and am going to put it to IBP readers as to what song I should sing. I ask you to confine your votes to my selected nominees:

1) "Feelings" - Mr. Morris Albert
2) "You're Just Too Good To Be True" - Mr. Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
3) "You Light Up My Life" - Ms. Debby Boone
4) "Walk The Line" - Mr. John "Johnny" Cash
5) "The Turkish Song of the Damned" - The Pogues

Please, please, please get those votes in by April 1.

"24"

Man, oh man, is "24" really starting to heat up. That Englishman, Morris, is going to get us all blown to smithereens with his crazy drinking and shoddy tech work!!! I'm pretty sure that the President and Assad aren't dead; there's no way someone like Rob Lowe's brother could have pulled that off. The coming attractions for next week showed that Jack has to get some information from a Russian ambassador and advises this Russian in a way that does not invite debate that he's going to get that info or that punk Russian is going to get his fingers cut off!!!

Legends Field: Live Report, 2/27/07

What with the traffic in South Florida, the Yanks' workout was over by the time I got here. Manager Torre, was already sitting at his table in the bullpen, getting his sun and snacking on what appeared to be chunks of fresh mozzarella cheese and good, ripe olives.

One interesting development. The Yanks are constructing a protective sphere, similar to the one used by John Travolta's character in the 1976 classic, "Boy In The Plastic Bubble", for Carl Pavano to work out in for the remainder of spring training.

Oscar Night: A Review

Through a fortuitous series of events which don't merit comment here, I was able to view a "tape" of last night's Oscar Awards.

Highly disappointing, to say the least. The Academy elected to go in another direction this year, apparently deciding that wit was no longer a needed attribute in the host. Give me the days of "Ol' Ski Nose" Bob Hope, reeling off one side-splitting quip after the other. Or "The King of Late Night", Johnny Carson. Johnny would have come up with some real rib-ticklers.

Johnny: "It was so hot in Burbank, today . . ."

Star-Studded Audience: "How hot was it?!?!?!"

Johnny: "It was so hot . . . that chemically unbalanced, over the hill, female pop singers were shaving their heads to try to stay cool!!!"

And the audience would have roared and appreciated Johnny's topicality, having a bit of a good-natured humorous go at Britney Spears and her descent into madness.

Memories

Does anybody out there remember when Vice President Cheney shot that old-timer right square in the face?

Kudos to C-Webb

Tip of the cap to Chris Webber, who after getting a 38 million dollar buyout from the 76ers and signing with the Pistons, has shaken off the lethargy that marked his last days with the Sixers and is playing like a spry twenty year old.

Legends Field: Live Report, 2/26/07

As if the plate of lame duck manager, Joe Torre, wasn't full enough, now comes word that Bobby Abreu is injured. Having watched Abreu in Philadelphia for a number of years, I can guarantee you that the injury was not incurred running into a wall.

Over the weekend, centerfielder, Johnny Damon, headed for the high grass, dropping out of camp for undisclosed personal reasons.

Cash won't be steamrolled into offering a pricey major league contract to Bernie Williams, rightly believing that his skills, pedestrian and over-hyped even in his salad days, have greatly diminished with age.

After practice today, Manager Torre set up a table in the bullpen and enjoyed a lunch of shrimp primevera, a loaf of bread from the Tuscany region, with some wine and pears for dessert.

SITUATION CONTINUING TO DETERIORATE ON OSCAR NIGHT

I have thus far received no response to my inquiry regarding whether the Oscars would be on the radio. Therefore, it is my sad duty to report, that the live blogging on tonight's ceremonies has been cancelled.

Additionally, I had hoped to provide a transcript of a post-Oscar telephone interview with my dear personal friend, Mr. Marty Scorcesese, who I have predicted will be going home with Oscar. Unfortunetly, the East Coast is getting hit with a spate of inclement weather. I am afraid I will be unable to negotiate the two block walk to the payphone in order to conduct the interview due to icy conditions.

Lookalikes

I had been vexed to the point of insomnia this fall, attempting to recall who perpetually exasperated New York Giants' coach, Tom Coughlin, facially resembled.

Like a bolt of lightning, while tossing and turning one night, the answer came to me; none other than Alvy Moore, the beloved Mr. Kimball, on the show, "Green Acres".

http://www.maggiore.net/greenacres/gacast.asp

http://www.imgspeakers.com/speakers/tom_coughlin.aspx

Oscar Night Live Blogging: Cancelled

As you are all well aware, I have been trumpeting the fact that I would be live blogging this year's Oscar Award ceremony. Having been in attendance at the ceremony for twenty-two consecutive years, and in many of those years having been feted at "Swifty" Lazar's legendary post-Oscar bashes at Spago's, I thought I could convey a bit of the "flavor" of the spectacle.

It appears, however, that a technical glitch will now prevent me from doing so. I was watching a rerun of "The Shield" on Channel 17 last night, (BTW, when is the Academy going to recognize Mr. Michael Chicilets and his fine work?), and the wind must have been blowing just right, because the reception on the old black and white was coming in great for a UHF channel. Suddenly, without warning, just as Chicilets was about to put another miscreant out of his misery without regard to his so-called "Consitutional" rights, the entire picture reduced to one dimming point of light in the middle of the screen.

I tried to remedy the situtation by whacking the side of the television with the palm of my hand. Then I tried turning the television on and off several times. None of these remedies was to any avail.

Would anybody know if the Academy Awards are going to be on the radio? I have been loathe to shell out the money for new batteries for my transistor, but this situation defines an emergency.

OSCAR PREDICTION 2007; Best Film

Less than 24 hours away and I'm sure that everyone's arms are tingley with gooseflesh.

Nikki Finke's column has been linked by Drudge all day, so the secret is out; Steven, Francis and the guy who made all that money off them Star Wars movies will be presenting the Best Director Oscar.

And fittingly, standing with those two cinematic titans and the guy who made all that money off them Star Wars movie, will be none other than Mr. Martin Scorcesese.

This will be the year of "The Departed". The Academy can reward Marty's picture with a slew of Oscars as there is no real competition out there.

Poll Results

The voting for the top two names for 2007 Fantasy Baseball Teams is over. The two top vote getters were as follows:

1. The Congressional Pages (38,495 votes)
2. The Montreal Expos (1,212 votes)

A Full Day's Work For A Full Day's Pay

Vince McMahon has had to endure criticism on a wide variety of topics during his tenure at the helm of the WWE. To the man's credit, he does embody some old school values, such as expecting an employee to earn his keep. As the pictures linked here amply demonstrate, before getting a train ticket back to their homes and some free grub, the aged Dusty Rhodes and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, had to endure a savaging by a ruffian named Umaga.

http://www.wwe.com/shows/raw/archive/02152007/photos/

Red Meat Political Commentary

Well, this one is really going to set the fur to flying, but here goes nothing.

The AP has been hammered throughout the right wing blogosphere for its left leaning tendencies. And there was a certain sameness to their headlines regarding civil strife in Iraq which did not become crystalized in my mine until this very day.

On the Yahoo homepage, the AP headlines always use "at least" when ambiguiosly referring to casualties. Today for example;

As of 6:07 p.m. EST • Iraq suicide blast kills at least 39 at Sunni mosque

May I suggest in the name of objectivity, that the AP start observing some journalistic standards and use "no more than" rather than "at least". I mean, if they have arrived at some rough estimate, see how much better this sounds;

Iraq suicide blast kills no more than 39 at Sunni mosque

The whole episode becomes more palatable with the hard cap of "no more than" rather than the heightened expectations of "at least".

Red Meat Political Commentary

President Bush has had a tempetuous term of office, weathering storms on both the foreign and domestic fronts, oft criticized and shortly facing the judgement of the ages. It is the work of intellects far greater than mind to determine his place in history.

However, one minor quibble; what is up with this business of extending daylight savings time? For we quiet few who suffer from Reverse Seasonal Adjustment Disorder, additional daylight starting earlier in the year is not welcome news. Suffice it to say that two or three more months of laying on the floor curled in the fetal positon with blankets drawn tightly over the head, and having to duct tape the shades to the wall, is no walk in the park.

Let me take the courageous step of being the first blogger to urge the President to use his power under the law as passed to defer extending the daylight savings time hours.

As a brief aside, Reverse Seasonal Adjustment Disorder is a much misunderstood ailment. Let me explain it by way of allegory. Back in the '70's, an actor named Alan Alda shot to stardom on the strength of his performance as the wisecracking surgeon, "Hawkeye" Pierce, in the television series, "M*A*S*H". (Parenthetically, Alda gave a groundbreaking performance in the movie version of the play, "Same Time, Next Year", in which he was also the last known American actor who wore jeans with a butterfly stiched smack dab on the ass.) Anyway, the character of "Hawkeye" always had a two day growth of stubble on his face. In an interview with the then nasceant "People" magazine, Alda revealed, "The funny thing is that I'm an odd duck. I like to shave."

OSCAR PREDICTION, 2007; Best Actress

Let me disclose something from the outset, so that I am not later accused of a conflict. I have known the wonderful Ms. Penolope Cruz since she arrived in Los Angeles some twelve years ago. Given that, I am picking her to win for her role in "Revolver". In this reporter's opinion, Ms. Cruz' victory will begin the process of overcoming the Academy's shameful history of not recognizing the work of red-hot Latinas. Look for this healing process to continue next year when Ms. Eva Mendes cops the Best Actress statue for her fine work in "Ghost Rider".

A note on Dame Helen Mirren and the media's rush to award her the Oscar by acclamation. I must say that I dissent in the universal praise being heaped upon Dame Mirren for her decision to use a lower-class Cockney accent while assaying the role of Queen Elizabeth. Candidly, I could barely make out a word she was saying.

It grieves me, gentle readers, to relay to you that this column was "on-air" less than three hours, when the ugly charge of plaugerism was haphazardly lobbed at your humble correspondent by a West Coast critic. In the particular, I was accused of attempting to mimic the stylings of one Steve Harvey, late of the now defunct UPN's "The Steve Harvey Show" and currently, I believe, doing an early morning radio show out of Chicago. After some reflection, I will be responding to these baseless charges in more detail.

Ted Koppel: A Retrospective, An Appreciation

Years ago, I think in the late '80's, on "Nightline", Ted Koppell was trying to get to the bottom of something and was interviewing a gentleman from India regarding certain accusations against him. The interviewee was apparently not aware of what passed for network standards at the time, and in response to one of Ted's questions said, "I feel like someone is pouring (feces) on me and I don't know where its coming from."

Ted advised him in no uncertain terms that he would have an opportunity to respond, but if he continued using that type of language, he would not be on the air very long.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH

Boy, that whole thing's a mess. Same with that Britney Spears thing.

OSCAR PREDICTION 2007; Best Actor

Someone named Ryan Goslin in something called "Half Nelson" can be ruled out. Oscar has never rewarded a performance in a straight to video film and never will.

Will Smith in "The Pursuit of Happyness (sic)" and Leonardo DiCaprio in "Blood Diamonds" are simply mudders filling out a weak field.

Those who know Oscar, know that Oscar loves sentiment. I'm going to buck the trend of so-called experts, who are thumping the tub for Forest Whitaker in "The Last King of Scotland". Whitaker should have won last year for his work in "The Shield", but Oscar has no sympathy.

This year, Oscar will go to the marvelous Sir Peter Toole in "Venus". I was fortunate enough to meet Sir Toole when I was working as a gaffer on the classic 1980 film, "The Island". Sir Toole stopped by the set to visit Sir Michael Caine. But Sir Toole will not be awarded the Oscar on sentiment alone; the reviews I've read seem to indicate that he did a pretty fair job in "Venus".

COMING ATTRACTIONS: Best Picture, 2007

Red Meat Political Commentary

I've been chomping at the bit to roll up my sleeves and get into the frothing pell-mell, the hurley-burley, the give and take, the steaming cauldron of this whole internet political blogging thing, so let me swing from the heels at the git-go and state unequivocally that government works best when everybody works together toward equitable compromises between legitimate competing postitions.

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE

In a classic "Peanuts" cartoon, Charlie Brown emerges from his house when the sun is rising and queries, "Why do I always have to go looking for people? Today, I'm going to sit here and wait for somebody to come see me." The cartoon continues through the remaining panels with Charlie Brown sitting patiently on the front step of his house, while the sun gradually sinks throughout the course of the day. In the final panel, Charlie Brown is sitting there alone at night, and he is emitting the familiar, "Sigh".